Learning the How and When of Letting Go

We have great teenagers, and every day I'm learning more and more about parenting them.

Anyone who has known me or read my posts on a variety of blogs will know that my husband and I have never given our kids an actual curfew. While I don't recommend this for others unless they're comfortable, it's been enlightening.

We have rarely had any unpleasantness with them. They haven't chosen to stay out until all hours without permission, and they call to let us know what's going on without being asked. Actually, one time each, they didn't let us know. We had a simple conversation about it, only a little panicked yelling because they didn't normally do this.

But this level of trust took some time to build. Sometimes a curfew can feel like a leash we pull on when our kids are getting out of line. We'd never 'give them their head' and let them try if we didn't think they were capable. And with some work, we'd managed to help them learn how to make good decisions. How'd we do this?

Here's how:

1. We started letting them make decisions on their own at age-appropriate times.
2. We showed them how we made decisions, and how other people make decisions, and talked about it a lot...not all in one conversation, but small bits at a time, or when they were making a bigger decision.
3. We set up the ground rules loosely enough that we could all agree to them and my husband and I were comfortable with them. (This has been harder with our girl because she is more vulnerable, and we lived in an area that had more than its share of registered sex offenders.)

It sounds easier than it was when I read that list. Our ground rules were simple enough. We needed to know where they were going and if they were going somewhere else, we asked that they let us know where and when, who with, and how they were getting there. We also let them know that if they needed a ride, they needed to call before 10:00 pm. (Of course, they had free reign to call us if their ride leaves, if their ride has been drinking, if they need help of any kind, etc.) Oh, and we needed to know where they were spending the night (if they were) ahead of time, so they had to call earlier. We taught them it's about respect, not keeping them leashed. They saw that my husband and I did the same thing, and on the rare occasion we didn't for whatever reason, they saw we worried just as much about each other.

We also talked to them about smoking, drinking, drugs, and sex. I won't say they're angels, and I can't say they'd listened to every word we said. But we talk about these things, what they want for their lives, and how to get there...because there isn't a better way to help them get where they're going.

It's not easy when they make decisions we wouldn't make for them. But our son is of age now, and our girl will be in a month. So the rules we have for them end up, at this point, being about what's acceptable in our home, what their responsibilities are now that they're adults, and that we are here no matter what because we love them without judgement, unconditionally.

Our way may not be the way you choose for your kids. But it's just that...one way. do you feel like you're preparing your teens for adulthood? Have you talked about voting? Work? Schooling? Do you ask what their goals are and what their dreams are? Do you know if they'd like to travel? (In a lot of countries, it's practically a tradition that the young adults take some time to travel the world, see other countries before they settle into their career.) How would you feel if that was their choice?

These are important things to think about when you live with teenagers, because they don't always know what they want. Through the act of talking about and exploring options, teens learn for themselves what's important.

We're still learning how to let go ourselves. As much as we've prepared them for life, we don't want them to experience hurt. They've been our babies, they've gone from helpless to capable in such a short time and we know some of what they'll face. It isn't our job, though, to live their lives, but to teach them how to live on their own.

Do not watch if you prefer soccer to rugby.

My son likes this comparison between rugby and soccer.

Rugby Is a Part of My Life, Whether I Like It or Not

Whenever I say I work to let our kids make decisions from young on, gradually trusting them with the big decisions, I am not talking about this one.

Our son plays rugby. He loves rugby, and has started every game since freshman year (excepting one year a broken arm took him out of the season...6 inch long but narrow plate and 8 pins later.) And still, rugby is the best thing that has happened to him. He's taken on more responsibility than before, even as an adult living in our home, whithout being told or asked. He pitches in where he's needed, asks if he isn't sure, and while he's always been a great kid to everyone, he's going that extra step now. And I remind myself that this is good. But when you watch the clips, I will warn you, they are violent. With the exception of the third video, which is more like American Football.

I've grown from this whole 4 years of rugby in his (and our) life. In my work I've encountered parents who weren't able to let go of that control, that need to be the one at their child's right hand telling them all the right decisions to make. And I didn't want that to be me. So I bit my tongue and supported him, asking only that he tell me honestly if he was hurt so we could make sure nothing permanent was damaged.

I learned that letting go of your children isn't as simple as letting them in our out of the door as they need in early adulthood on occasion. It's talking about what you know, asking about what they know and want, and then listening. A lot of listening.

I discovered that somewhere along the way, this boy who was so small and fragile in my arms, the boy who taught himself how to read with our support, who found new and improved ways to do his math problems and still get the answer...he lives his life. In his words, "If I'm not doing what I want, ma, what's the point of living?"

I taught him to dream and explore and take chances. Now he does. I could hardly hold him back or punish him because I don't want him trying out for the New Zealand Blacks in a few years...he'd be too far away. So I tell him how I feel, and how proud I am that he has dreams, that he hasn't fallen prey to the drinking and drugs that are rampant here.

He wanted me to share this here, after learning what I was doing. The kids do plan on taking some hand in this, how much we wait to be sure. Until then, remember...the first step in doing something new is knowing you can do it. When you have that, the second, of learning, and the third, of doing, come easier. It's one of the basic laws of attraction that are so widely spoken of these days. And it's a part of the way our kids were raised. Their choice to be happy or sad.

In fact, we're working on that with our 4 year old. He told me today that sometimes his brain tells him not to listen to his brain and do naughty stuff, so he chooses to not listen to his brain and he does naughty stuff. So now I have his language I can use to help create some positive force and put him in the path of the law of attraction. More on that later. My yoga mat is calling to me.

Kim

Rugby Hits

This shows younger players and a less violent version than the Rugby Union plays, as you can see.

Here Comes the Boom- Rugby hits

My son is a rugby player.

Articles coming!